The Good and the Bad – January 30, 2013

Today has been a quite a day, which seems to be quite the understatement.  Good news is that Cassie has been able to eat and drink on her own. She has been waiting for this day for such a long time.  For a while there, she was asking any nurse or doctor (or family member for that matter) whether or not she was going to be allowed to eat and drink now. At this point it is still like playing charades, where she uses her able limbs to communicate, and where sometimes we just have to guess until we get it right.  It's funny: she gets something caught in her mind that she wants to talk about it and it can take many long minutes of deliberating and guessing to score the right answer. Finally, the time arrived where the feeding tube was removed and the food arrived. She was so excited when she received her first "food item", which was an orange Popsicle, which she devoured. She also has expressed that it is the best food she has eaten. She was able to also have a chocolate milkshake as that is a soft food, which she thoroughly enjoyed, as can be seen in the picture to the right. She is doing really well with physical therapy and her right side is gaining more and more resistance (it increases with the more resistance the left side receives). The therapists do a number of exercises and stretches with her. On a side note (a funny one at that): her feeding tube was removed this morning, but as the observant husband that I am, I was oblivious to that until it had to be told me by my mother-in-law, and I was shocked to see that yes, the tube was gone. I just thought her face looked normal.

Now, for the tragic news: Cassie lost the baby. Dr. Feltovich (the high risk OBGYN) came in and did another ultrasound and there was no evident heartbeat. All of us in the room were stoic until she left, myself denying multiple times that I was anything but okay.  When she left the room, it was a complete meltdown, at which point we were all crying and comforting each other. I wish I knew what was going on in my wife’s head as she wouldn't be able to dictate what that state may be.  The able limbs making motions are not capable of expressing that deep of an emotion. I never anticipated that the joy we felt as expecting father and mother only weeks before could change so drastically and suddenly into heartache and emptiness as it did this afternoon. All of the dreams of parenthood melted away. I know what I believe, and I know what Cassie and the remainder of my family hold to, but in times like this, I can only be human. Some social workers came in and gave her some information about child loss and dealing with the resultant emotions. They also gave her a neutral colored blanket (as we did not know the gender of the baby), a charm bracelet and a matching ring. There have been multiple times today where there has been weeping and hugging, a longing for comfort that cannot quite be satisfied.

As many people would do in this situation, I turned to God for strength beyond my own. I have found comfort by turning to the scriptures, reading His words given through prophets old and new. In particular, I turned to Moroni 8:5-12 and Doctrine & Covenants 137:5-10 to receive the most relief that at this time I can obtain.

MORONI 8:5-12

 5 For, if I have learned the truth, there have been disputations among you concerning the baptism of your little children.

 6 And now, my son, I desire that ye should labor diligently, that this gross error should be removed from among you; for, for this intent I have written this epistle.

 7 For immediately after I had learned these things of you I inquired of the Lord concerning the matter. And the word of the Lord came to me by the power of the Holy Ghost, saying:

 8 Listen to the words of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them; and the law of circumcision is done away in me.

 9 And after this manner did the Holy Ghost manifest the word of God unto me; wherefore, my beloved son, I know that it is solemn mockery before God, that ye should baptize little children.

 10 Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach — repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children.

 11 And their little children need no repentance, neither baptism. Behold, baptism is unto repentance to the fulfilling the commandments unto the remission of sins.

 12 But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!

D&C 137:5-10

 5 I saw Father Adam and Abraham; and my father and my mother; my brother Alvin, that has long since slept;

 6 And marveled how it was that he had obtained an inheritance in that kingdom, seeing that he had departed this life before the Lord had set his hand to gather Israel the second time, and had not been baptized for the remission of sins.

 7 Thus came the voice of the Lord unto me, saying: All who have died without a knowledge of this gospel, who would have received it if they had been permitted to tarry, shall be heirs of the celestial kingdom of God;

 8 Also all that shall die henceforth without a knowledge of it, who would have received it with all their hearts, shall be heirs of that kingdom;

 9 For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts.

10 And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven.

Contributed by Christopher Holt

Sorry I haven't sent out many updates lately. Sometimes the changes although good seem so small that there isn't much to say. Of course not all the news is always good. But over all things are getting better. She has had some additional strokes since she has been here. As far as we know no additional damage. So they changed her medicine and the MRI from yesterday showed no change which is good. She will probably leave ICU tomorrow to an intermediate care room for the weekend. Then if all goes well onto rehab on Monday. She is getting stronger on her right side and talking more although we still can't really understand her yet. She can eat pretty well with her left hand and has even tried writing her name. She can read and pick from the menu what she wants to eat.

Contributed by Amy Lilly