Cassie and Chris 2016

Cassie and Chris 2016

Our Story

It all started in a seminary class in high school, with a "mop-headed boy" and a dancer/singer who sat behind him. As only friends in high school, and then reuniting after Christopher's mission, we were married in the LDS temple in Manti, Utah, and have now been married for over 7 years.

On January 16, 2013, Cassie was diagnosed with a stroke. As a result, many of our dreams and goals were delayed. But we were not to be deterred. Chris graduated in 2014 and currently works at Imagine Learning, and Cassie graduated in 2016 and now volunteers at the hospital while maintaining the apartment.

As we now commence on our journey to adopt, please spread the word! Comments are welcome as expressions of love and support. Most important is the faith and prayers offered in our behalf. So we invite you to share in our journey, as we look back in time to the beginning of the emergency and then update you to the joys and trials we face together. This is our story.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Encouragement

Today my therapists were very encouraging, particularly about my hand and my arm. I go to therapy hoping that someday I will be healed. But I can't see it, but my therapists can see it. It was a good day, but it was a good day because my therapist made me feel like I was going in the right direction! And to keep it up!


It was my brother's birthday! I am so proud of him! 



Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Bloopers

I do like to beat up on Shane - not really! 
I had my leg on Shane's chest, I was stretching. And I kicked him in the ear! (unfortunately this video is not working right now).
I was balancing on a ball with my right foot, and I lost my balance and I put my hand on his head!










Saturday, November 9, 2013

School makes me really nervous....

November 4, 2013
Dr Fong let me know that summer was the time to start auditing a class and if everything looks ok then I can start fall semester. I'm not ready right now but six months from now she thinks that I will be ready. I don't know it makes me nervous to think that I could be ready...

November 9, 2013
My goals this week will be to do all of my speech homework everyday; next I will find out why my Bioness is making my hand numb; and I will work on my steps being a 1/4 of a inch shorter.

I will make my goals shorter because I was thinking that it will be so far away... But every step closer that I take to my goal means that I will make my goal! 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Our appeal for therapy!

We have some great news! We appealed multiple times to have our insurance grant coverage for more therapy. Each time they said no. In the morning we were about to go up to Salt Lake and meet with them in person. About the time we were getting ready to leave, we received a phone call, where the insurance said that as a one-time event they would grant the additional therapy sessions like we wanted. We are greatly that we were so persistent in this process and that Heavenly Father is still looking out for us. It's going to be a tight schedule getting all of these appointments scheduled before the end of the year, but that is overshadowed by the extreme blessing that it is.  So I'll be working hard until the end of this year! 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

General Conference

Elder Dube talked about never looking back but looking forward; to me it means don't look back to last year I will only be disappointed. But only look forward to today, like when I walked up stairs like normal or my next therapy session, or tomorrow went I get to go to the last session of general conference. 




Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Three Injured Amigos

I realized this week that I can move up on my toes! It doesn't sound like I am really excited but I am! I am just focusing and trying to see results! I realized at church I am in a group of three injured amigos; the first is my mom: she has a bone in her right foot that is crumbling; the second is my brother Ethan, who sprained his right knee as he was practicing football; and my right side is still healing. My mom and Ethan will be healed pretty easy I will take longer! My brother is a goofball.



You will notice the crutches for Ethan, the handlebars for Mom's scooter and then you know about me!

Friday, September 20, 2013

My New Haircut!

My memory of my hair

We weren't in ICU anymore but we couldn't go to the rehab center. I realized that my hair was failing out. I couldn't talk but everyone know that my hair was falling out. That was a tragic experience for me; before everyone got there in the morning I was crying trying to understand why this had to be so hard. I can still look back, and I am weeping as I still don't why it is so hard. From February until September 19, it took me seven months to almost get back all that I had lost!

Good news is that I had a hair cut today, a very very short one. There are pictures of the before and after, plus in the process! 






Sunday, September 1, 2013

'Tis a New Month

It is a new month and a new time to reflect on some things.  Chris and I have completed the move into my family's home.  We accomplished it all within two weeks’ time, which was our intent because the fall semester was going to being again at UVU.  Chris received a nice scholarship to essentially cover all expenses for 2 semesters.  It is going to be quite an adjustment to downgrade from our apartment to a studio and a new lifestyle.  At the same time, it presents a great blessing because we can save some money and it will allow me to continue recovery.  All in all, it’s not that bad of a setup.

I have had some difficult nights lately, even to the point of almost screaming in frustration and slamming my left fist down.  It is because I cannot do anything about it.  With my fingers, with my foot, with my inability to speak – if only it was my ability to speak that was impaired I would be more grateful, but it is not.  

Grandma Johnson’s funeral was yesterday.  It was a magnificent ceremony and experience.  Grandma Johnson was so beautiful in her casket with the sacred temple robes on her.  The services were nice, wonderful tributes were given and a Samoan choir participated as they had for my grandpa’s services.  She now is resting by her husband in the Orem cemetery, but her spirit is now reunited with her husband in the spirit world.  Something that I laugh about is that, when getting up to pay respect to her before they closed the casket, I forgot to turn on my Bioness leg device.  So I walked completely under my own power.  I pointed this out to Chris when we got back to our seats!

Here is a Bioness video like I promised.  I am using it more and more each day.  I feel that the devices are helping me – but I cannot get it to work without having my Nike shoes on.  That is frustrating because I want to be able to wear other kinds of shoes!



Monday, August 12, 2013

Quite Sudden and Expected at the Same Time ... We Are Moving

As the title says, we are sad to say that we are moving. We are moving because Chris goes back to school at UVU in the next couple weeks and I'm not healed enough for me to be comfortable by myself. I'm going to continue to heal over the next 8 months (the time Chris has left for his semesters). We are not moving because of the money. It is for me and the people that are taking care of me. So, if in the next two weeks you don't hear from me or Chris, it's because of the move!  We are grateful to all those who have helped in my time of need. We will miss the ward and all the friends we have made. 

P.S. The Bioness video clips are coming soon ... But here is a photo to whet your appetite!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bioness Has Arrived

I got my hand Bioness working and had Lumosity placed on my iPad. I am very excited because before you had to get out my laptop and now we get it on my iPad! I learned that you have to give people a break even myself.  My life gets so stressed out because I can't do everything, like hair, because I can't put it into a ponytail. I need a time out too.

I also got my leg Bioness working. It is very slow, because I cannot wear it for a full day yet. I will be fidgeting with my leg as I get used to it. The exciting part is that I can wear different shoes and not the leg brace when I have the Bioness devices on. I am tired of always having to wear my Nike and Sketchers shoes.

I will be posting some videos of the Bioness devices in action soon!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

That We Might "Not . . . Shrink" (D&C 19:18)

Cassie and I watched a powerful devotional talk given by Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (found on YouTube on the "Mormon Channel" site). As you all have followed the blog, or have reacquainted yourselves with us in person, you have seen the amazing progress that Cassie exhibits. It is nothing short of miraculous. Our faith has been tested, and I have oft wondered the purpose of these experiences. Cassie has been stalwart in maintaining an optimistic attitude towards the whole recovery process.

At times, we both feel the incredible burden with the many unknowns yet to be, and what we have already endured. I have not always reacted or done things as I ought to have, to show my love and support of my wife as she handles her new lifestyle. She has been gracious in forgiveness when I fall short. In turn, I know that when she feels the overwhelming burden that I have sought to be there to comfort her. 

The beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that we can, through the merits and grace of the Savior, demonstrate the faith to be healed and the ability to submit to the will of God. As Elder Bednar taught these principles, through insight found in a medical example similar enough to our own, Cassie and I gained a better understanding of these things. We would like to share the link with everyone, and send out the invitation to watch. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Concert on the Green

There is a new page that bloggers can look at: Perspectives of Close Friends. So far there is only one entry.  My good friend Mady wrote it, and I would like everyone to hear it.  It made me think about my stroke.  Mady has been my best friend.

On Sunday the 14th, I went to the Concert on the Green, an annual event at Mark and Liz Stoddard's house.  Sacred music was the theme for the night.  As a part of that, my stroke was highlighted because I was the guest of honor.  At the beginning of the concert, my husband and I sat inside.  In the intermission, I went outside and said, to the audience, a simple "Thank you."  After that, I went out and greeted the many people that came to show their support.  It was great, because my friends Jena, Sydney, Aubrey, Kaitie and Brooklyn were there.  I got along with my friends easily because they came one-by-one; I didn't have to talk to them all at once.  Those close friends were in a circle and I didn't have a hard time, but outside of that I still have a hard time talking.  I'm grateful for all the donations that still come to me.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

It's All Coming Together

By July 2, my blister was almost gone. I was ready for the 4th of July: I got my patriotic wreath and patriotic flowers done to decorate my house.  I went to breakfast up at my family's ward with my husband.  It was quite a good night because we saw, as we drove home, multiple firework displays all the way home.  It was a fun holiday and glad to be with my husband.


The night of Independence Day

My new patriotic shirt!
It's been getting so busy lately! I have been busy with the letters informing you of our fundraiser, held at the Stoddard's house.  I have been so impressed with the generosity of other people.  I want to thank you all.

My husband and I have also been looking into disability insurance.  At first I was turned off by it: the thought that I couldn't go to work and get paid was unacceptable (I realized this in the hospital before I could speak). But I know it's the right thing to do, not leaving my husband to pay for every thing. And we have friends helping us survive.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

A Letter for Your Friends

Blog and Facebook group update!  There are two new files uploaded to the Facebook group's file page.  They are both the same thing, just one in DOCX format and the other in PDF format.  It is a letter that you can use, possibly personalized, to send to those who you might think might appreciate a hard copy of information concerning Cassandra's progress and the intentions of the fundraiser.

We have already been quite humbled with the outpouring of love, whether it be through donations or just the comfort and strength necessary for Cassie and I to make it through this difficult challenge.  We love you all and appreciate you so much.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

What You Have Been Waiting For: How You Can Help!

Please share this with your friends.  Through some collaborative effort, we are having a fundraiser for Cassandra in relation to obtaining the medical devices and therapy sessions necessary to continue the healing and recovery process.  Please refer to the right hand margin that is present on every page for more information.

In addition, there is now a "Donate" button linked to an account to make online donations.  There are many ways in which you can contribute to the effort.

Many of you have helped with meals and other forms of invaluable service.  We appreciate those who have reached out with their support and love.  We could not do it without you.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A "Blistering" Few Days

The diameter of this blister is about 
the size of a 50 cent piece
A couple days ago, Ariana and I took walk, measuring almost 1 mile. I wore my new tennis shoes and I regretted it for that last half mile. When I got home and I took my AFO and my socks off, I realized what I had done: a big huge blister on my right foot. I will be stubborn for the rest of my life time, because I go through things and I don't learn, or at least I learn slowly.  It has sure not helped me, because when I walk I can barely stand the pain.

Grandma Condit is now resting in Spanish Fork Cemetery.  I cried a lot; it was emotional for me because I cannot keep my emotions down.  My stroke has some influence on me still in these types of settings as I am more emotional.  I know that it is just her body and that she is free from earthly pains.  I feel happy for her but sorrow for myself.  I thought that she might have gone in January, but I feel that due to my circumstance that she waited.so that I could be part of the funeral. The service was nice and many family and friends paid their respects to my grandma.


Ethan, Ariana and myself at Grandma Condit's funeral

My Grandpa Condit laying his red rose on
his departed wife's casket


Thursday, June 20, 2013

A Good Start + A Rough Ending

A few days ago I was able to once again take advantage of the Bioness devices.  I went through OT and Speech as normal, then had a break for a couple hours before returning to PT.  It took a really long time, but it worked so well.  With these devices I can walk without my braces and I am able to move more normally.  These devices are what we are shooting to get.  Here is an example of how it helps me to move.  This video, although the device remains on my leg, goes on and off at certain selected points.  So sometimes I'm moving under my own power.


Later that night I joined my husband with some of our neighbors at a fire pit.  It was fun, and it's nice to be with people.  I didn't say anything though.  I feel like I have so much to say but no one is there to talk to me. If there was four people, including myself, they could understand me and listen to me, and I would be able to converse.

Yesterday, my Grandma Condit passed away around 12 noon.  I feel sad and then I feel happy for her because she is free!  Free from all of it.  My grandma was not her normal self for the last 3 years of her life.  Now she is free from her aches, dementia, arthritis and all of her worldly cares.  Now she can go on!


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day! To my dad for staying with me in the hospital even though he doesn't like it!  To my husband, for the ups and downs our relationship goes through.  Happy Father's Day!

Good News Minute

June 11
My hubby got a scholarship and he could start in the fall back at school. I also toured Ariana's apartment for the first time!

June 12
My mom and I shopped for maple mountain apparel and we did find what we wanted to find.  We had a good time shopping! We got these Sketchers, having hoped that we would find something casual other than my Nike shoes ,and we did!

June 14
I did the elliptical for ten minutes! We talked to Teri Vantassell, who stopped by our place and brought a nice treat.  We have also received letters from the Call brothers, so that I can appeal to have more therapy!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Updated Video Pages!

So this is an invitation to those who are frequented this blog many times, or for those who are new to our journey ... please look at the right margin of the blog and you will see some extra bonuses!  Namely, the redesigned video pages!

At first, all videos were posted on the same page.  But, oddly enough, when that page was loaded not all the videos would come with it.  It was a random selection, and was quite irksome to me.  So I have decided to make individual pages for each therapy discipline, and most likely in the future will make videos available in the posts rather than the video pages.  I will certainly leave a note so that you can still enjoy the videos, wherever they may be.

So for now, our redesigned video pages are as follows:
I hope you enjoy seeing her progress!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Therapy & Botox

We went on a walk around the whole block again then we took a break and then we went to the corner and back!  We do speech therapy as well.

I am quite nervous and happy for my Botox treatment. At first I felt good about it and still do, but I am getting those butterfly feelings.  As it turns out, 
it went very good! My mother-in-law said that those needles were so big! I didn't think they were big. The one in my bottom of my forearm, it hurts a bit. I talked to Dr. Leininger and I asked him to write a letter for an extension on therapy.




Thursday, June 6, 2013

Gardening & the Malouf Visit

One thing worth mentioning: the blog is now real-time, i.e. we are no longer revisiting the past but are now in the present time.  Here are some gardening pictures from a few weeks ago.  As I mentioned, I have enjoyed gardening and taking care of the tiny plants as they bloom and as new shoots come.



Here are also some pictures from the visit from Jordan and Mady Malouf, visiting from Dallas, Texas.



Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Recovery Must Go On

Cassie has exhibited no more seizure-like symptoms, which is a good sign.  Ideally it would be due to her body healing, but the prescribed seizure medicine could be helping as well.  I call it her medicine cocktail as she is taking multiple medicines; it is hard to keep track of them.

I will be honest.  I am almost paranoid, at times, whenever Cassie makes a noise and when she doesn’t do anything at all.  I unnervingly anticipate anything going amiss, which is not healthy.  I am just overly concerned at times, but I certainly do not want to be so unobservant that I miss any warning signs.  It’s like being in the ICU paranoia.  This time around, it’s just normal things that set me off.  I recognize that it is still a burden for me, albeit an entirely different burden than the one that Cassie shoulders.  In my opinion, she has the spiritual gift of optimism and faith – she seems to be able to accept her trial without complaint, even in the midst of a hard day, and to smile and laugh and look for a better day.  I appreciate that, as I am pessimistic sometimes, planning for the worst.  She helps to balance life.

Time is running out on her therapies.  She is scheduled for Botox on June 6, as Dr. Leininger believes that such an injection will help relieve the tension and tone that her arm and hand are currently using.  It would do so by weakening the overacting muscles and tendons/ligaments, so that the overpowered muscles and such can work and be controlled by the brain.  Her hand, at times, can be completely relaxed, while at other times is resistant to movement.  On the flipside, some good news: she was able to move her foot the other day.  She has been working on voluntary movement of her ankle, feet, and toes.  At this time she can only do it while lying down, but it was a pleasure and uplifting experience to see her bend that ankle and those toes.  It is a waiting game, and fortunately she is still months within the timeframe of the quickest recovery.

Exciting event! We were able to participate in a stroke awareness event entitled "Strides for Strokes." It was held at the Kiwanis Park in Provo, Utah, sponsored by multiple Utah County organizations.  It was such a huge blessing to have Cassie walk a 1K with such determination.  We were able to see multiple therapists, Dr. K. Call and many others.  As she crossed the finish line, tears came to my eyes and acquaintances and strangers alike applauded her.  It was a great reminder of the support system we have in place.  We were joined by my parents and Cassie's mother.  What a wonderful family event.


Cassie and Dr. Kevin Call sticking out their tongues – one of the requests he often made of her during her
stay in the ICU

The ladies in action! It is a walk, after all.
And my dad is there also.

The name of the event sponsored by multiple stroke
awareness institutions

A Weekly Record – May 21-May 28, 2013

May 21
I have grown fond of growing flowers! Petunia, snapdragon, forget-me-nots, geraniums and other plants! They are cheery, happy and bright! I put them in front of my door; they are the first things I see when I open my door!

May 23

My mom and had a talk about Benadryl. I was getting upset because I had the case of the itches. But she was right and I was wrong. I had gotten addicted to Benadryl, or I think I had. I am about to start trying to kick Benadryl out of my life, because I don't have time for that crap. I was thinking of getting stronger and I don't have time!

May 24
I had a good night sleep with nothing! No drugs or Benadryl!  I was washing myself and I got of the tub and I bent over and my right leg looked stronger.

May 25
It was a normal day! My mom and I cleaned up the house; before that we did stretches and push-ups. We vacuumed, swept, mopped, dusted and watered my plants. We ate lunch and Chris came home and then I napped for an hour.  We went to grandma Johnson's old house and then went to his parents house and went to our house. Night!

May 26
Mady and Jordan were at my family's house; we had a really great time. After we had embraced and we dried our tears, we talked about my recovery and Botox and my foot and my hair.  Then we started to talk about Ethan; he is so tall!

May 27
We went to the movie theater to see Star Trek and I thought it was good .  We went to rehab where grandma Johnson is going to stay.  We stay with her she had a stroke its not as bad as it could be. We went back to our house and slept.  With Nanny and Gramps we played Mexican train and I won it all.

May 28
We went to Dr. Call's and we heard a lot of stuff. We watched a funny movie with my ward!


May 29
I prayed to be humble but I didn't get it because things keep happening to me. I have an earache that won't go away.

May 30
I had a really hard night. But it turned out alright. My plants and my no bake cookies turned out ok! We had waffles tonight! I realized my discernment came from the Holy Ghost it is like having a feeling and I don't know what it is for!

May 31
My earache has gone away as long as I put eardrops in. My right toe is showing signs of an ingrown toenail.

June 3
We went on a walk in Kiwanis Park with my mom and my husband and his parents. Afterwards we gathered and they gave a gift! I talked to Kevin Call and  I asked him to write a letter.  Then we went to mom, dad in laws house and we played Mexican train! Today we walk a whole block!!

Friday, May 31, 2013

Hives & the ER, Part 2 – May 8, 2013


5:38 PM

So the results of the tests are in: the MRI results are normal, and the electroencephalogram (EEG or brain-wave) show normal brain activity.  This is all good news as any visit to the emergency room beginning in the dead of night rarely ends well. After a few hours she is back at home, extremely drained from all the hustle and bustle of the day on only a few hours’ sleep. I do not know what else to write about – my feelings are strained and I wonder sometimes if we are going to make it out of this mess. Clearly, it has a far greater impact on Cassie’s life than it does mine. I see my companion and how she is not herself.  I see her make huge strides and have much progress, to only hit another wall. I know I need to be faithful and learn what the Lord has in store for my wife and I. It is difficult to do so. I think of Job in the New Testament, and the horrible things that happened to him: slain family, human frailty and illnesses, and the derision of his friends. As I think of that, my mind is immediately taken to the opening verses of Doctrine and Covenants 121. Here is the story of Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, hallowed scripture where multiple insights are given through the dialogue between the Prophet Joseph and the Almighty.  Here is the text of that scripture:

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us ... Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever. 

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job ... (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-4,6-10)

We are not alone.

Hives & the ER, Part 1 – May 8, 2013

Smiling at the doctors' office
So Tuesday morning started off a little interesting. I was at work when Amy texted me and said that she was developing a rash. It was observed to be on her knees and elbows. After consulting with Dr. S. Call she had an impromptu visit to do some blood work. He increased her prednisone dosage from 5mg to 40mg per day. As the day progressed, her left side was hit the worst with the hive-like symptoms. When I returned home, I could tell how tired she was, worn out from all of these visits. The weather was luckily good while she was outside, as around dinnertime it was raining and hailing quite hard. We had a good dinner and watched some Boy Meets World. We updated the blog and then got her ready for bed. It took some extra time because now the hives have spread to more of her limbs. We get her in bed and she is clearly uncomfortable. As I was saying our prayer together, she fell asleep and I hoped that she would continue to have those deep sleep breathing patterns. About 30 minutes later she woke up and was just itchy all over. The hives have now spread to most of her body, including her neck and the sides of her face.

About 10:30 PM I called Amy and had her come over, just to have another set of eyes there in case an urgent decision has to be made. Cassie is slathered with hydrocortisone and lotion in an attempt to alleviate the irritation. She slept for another two hours and then woke up again with the same symptoms. I make an early morning trip to Walmart to purchase more hydrocortisone. She then slept for an additional hour and then woke up needing to go to the bathroom. As Amy and I help her, she took two steps and then swayed side-to-side. Her head lolled to one side and her eyes rolled back into her head and she collapsed. We lay her down on the bed before we can slide her to the ground. 

She is not responsive and breathing quite shallow. Amy sits with her and makes sure she remains conscious. I call 911 and the ambulance is on its way. I get ready, and then Amy gets ready as we trade off. We arrive at the ER at Utah Valley RMC around 5 AM. After normal procedure happens, she eventually takes some Benadryl and goes to sleep. The neurologist, Dr. L. Altamirano comes and gives the diagnosis: most likely a seizure. Fortunately her hives are retreating as a result of the increased prednisone and possibly the Benadryl. Also fortunate: the results of the CT scan, urinalysis, etc. are normal. She has an upcoming brain wave test and an MRI. More details to come. As all of this is coming to fruition, I reflect on my feelings of losing my wife for at least a second time, if we don’t include her first ER visit. There are just so many things that are possible in her life now as a consequence of the stroke. Seizures are scary. It scares me that there are so many things out of my control, that I get to be a spectator rather than in control as much as I would like to be.




Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Back to Church Activity As Life Continues – May 7, 2013

This has been an eventful few days.  A fun story to share: Saturday night at my family, Gramps and Nanny joined us for dinner and afterwards played Mexican Train, an entertaining and strategic domino game.  The best part was, in previous times playing games, Cassie has needed some assistance remembering the game and playing it properly.  This time around, she needed little reminders and, as it turned out, won the first two go-arounds!  She was laughing and quite pleased with herself – a reward so worthwhile as she has dealt with so much.

We have worked ourselves back to church, having returned April 14, the week following General Conference.  We started out with just sacrament meeting, and this past Sunday we went to the first two hours of church (skipping the 3rd hour) as we continue to work up to full activity on Sundays.  It’s a treat to be among the Saints, to feel of the Spirit of God helping buoy us up in our time of need.  When the prayers are said, and heaven’s help requested for those that stand in need, I take note of that.  Before, I never felt that those pleas applied to Cassie and me.  Now, it certainly does. 

Yesterday, on the 6th, there were many errands and tasks to be completed.  First we had therapy, which Cassie continues to excel at.  We have increased her baclofen dosage to 60mg per day and that seems to be loosening up the tone in her hand that is causing the ligaments and muscles to work in such a manner that she clenches her hand (not quite a full fist, but certainly not relaxed).  Her step is also improving – it is less compensated by her torso but more moving the leg forward and utilizing her knee.  She takes the steps going down at a normal pace, one foot per step.  She still feels uncomfortable when there is not handrail for her to feel secure.  Her physical therapist Shane helped her take the stairs going up in the same fashion, and it took some time but she is making strides in that area.  She is able to balance more and more, and put more weight on the right side.  She still cannot move her foot or wiggle her toes (it’s all involuntary movement).  She can lift her right arm and hand to position it by her mouth, such as if she were to eat. 

As far as the errands, we went to Shopko to buy some sheets, to Deseret Book for some Mother’s Day shopping, the bank to deposit some cash, and finally the Bishop’s Storehouse to get some much needed food and supplies.  I was not quite sure what to expect, imagining some kind of Costco setup.  I was taken aback at the quaint little convenience store vibe there.  The service missionaries were quite helpful and garnered all the supplies requested for us by our Relief Society president days prior.   I was humbled and I felt the love of God and the fellow members of the church who contribute to the fast offering funds.  I obviously can say that I did not anticipate ever using the funds, only to contribute.  But here we were, in the storehouse, receiving the aid of the church.  I took me aback and I truly felt humbled, and know that my life is more in His hands, more than what I may be comfortable admitting.  I am used to independence and living within my means, but now the “means” just are not there anymore.  Humility requires a submissive heart and willingness to be served.

Friday, May 24, 2013

For Mine Own Purpose – April 30, 2013

We have wondered why Cassie had this stroke and although we have yet to obtain this information, I feel that the Lord pointed us in the right direction to obtaining that answer one piece at a time.  It is found in this scripture.

1 NEPHI 15:3
 3 For he truly spake many great things unto them, which were hard to be understood, save a man should inquire of the Lord; and they being hard in their hearts, therefore they did not look unto the Lord as they ought.

I think sometimes I try to escape what has happened, to harden my heart as it pertains to the stroke.  I know that there is a purpose to what has transpired, perhaps even something "great ... which [are] hard to be understood."  We are to remain faithful to Him, pray to Him for knowledge and look and live.  

Life is quite a journey.  I am not ashamed to admit my allegiance and dependence to the Redeemer and Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.  It is a piece of humanity we all possess: the need for someone to lean on, to divulge secrets and burdens and to look as an exemplar.  I seek, albeit imperfectly, to be like Him and to follow Him.  I do not have all the answers, and for someone like me (for those who know me more intimately) who seeks to have control and is a perfectionist, it is hard to not have a complete grasp on the situation.  He who has suffered for all is, oft times, the only source to turn for solace.

Another scripture I love can be found in the Doctrine & Covenants.  Forgive me, as I may oft quote this as it gives me strength and eternal perspective.

D&C 122:5-9 (italics added)
 5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.  



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Faith, Hope and Humility – April 23, 2013

This is a cute story: there was a password for an Internet filter that was not remembered.  At first she couldn't recall it – so she took a few minutes to think about it and it still would not come. She went into the bathroom and of all places, there she had her epiphany. She came back to the computer and typed in the password and it worked. She was ecstatic about this information, that she was able to pull from far within herself in her still healing brain. It was a good time to rejoice, even if it was something as simple as a password.

The evening was difficult. We visited with Bishop Bennett about our finances and requested help from him to make it. This is the first month in our marriage where we have expected to fall short of what is required for the monthly bills and expenses. We explained to him how the emergency fund had allowed us to not be totally submerged by bills, but that we have reached a point where it is no longer realistic to survive like this.  It was quite humbling to ask for help, and Cassie and I were emotional about it – as I'm sure she feels somewhat responsible and helpless simultaneously. I don't know if I had any expectations as to what the bishop would offer for assistance, but upfront he offered to help with rent and to allow us to utilize the bishop's storehouse. He was anxious and quite willing to offer these services to us, who he identified as a temple-worthy couple.  I don't feel that I'm doing the bare minimum at times as far as what spirituality and righteousness demand. But I know that Cassie and I are at a point in our lives where humility is required and we have to be the ones that are served, perhaps more than we want. Time to redouble my efforts to be close to the Lord and ensure I keep His commandments at all times and be faithful above all.

We have many people to thank, who have spent precious time and money to support us as we go through this trial.  It ranges from the help given by the church, to the immediate family who spend time with Cassie while I work, to friends who have come to be with us, to ward members who have provided meals and loving comfort, and to the many thousands across the nation that pray for us, and the temples wherein our names are mentioned.  The means whereby we subsist on a daily basis lies more in the strength drawn from others than what we can sometimes muster from within.  Cassie and I thank you and know that your efforts are heaven sent.  It is recognized that faith, hope and humility are constant doctrines in life right now.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

And Do You Hear & Answer Every Child's Prayer – April 19, 2013

As we were retiring to bed, Cassie began to cry and I tried to figure out what she was feeling. She related to me that her Father in Heaven hears her prayers, but that she was worried about how He heard them. I told her that Heavenly Father hears everyone's prayers and comprehends them perfectly and that she should not worry.  She is trying so hard to improve her speech that it is sometimes difficult for her to realize that it is still a long road to full recovery but that she progresses on a daily basis. We've spent time talking and Cassie has requested multiple priesthood blessings to know of the love of the Almighty God and His Son, and to receive comfort through the Holy Ghost. I cannot imagine how difficult this trial is for her, and to know that she has a long road ahead. But as leaders of the church have said, prayer is a supernal gift from a loving Father in Heaven, to draw on a spiritual reservoir of strength and love from His hand.

The sublime words from A Child's Prayer, found in the children's hymnbook, come to mind: 

Heavenly Father, are you really there? 
And do you hear and answer ev’ry child’s prayer? 
Some say that heaven is far away, 
But I feel it close around me as I pray. 
Heavenly Father, I remember now 
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago: 
“Suffer the children to come to me.” 
Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee. 
Pray, he is there; 
Speak, he is list’ning. 
You are his child; 
His love now surrounds you. 
He hears your prayer; 
He loves the children. 
Of such is the kingdom, 
The kingdom of heav’n. 

Miscarriage Recollection – April 16, 2013

In relation to my miscarriage:
"I remember all the blood. I don't remember it happening and how it seemed so fast. I was on my side when I miscarried. The nurse came in and said that she was going to put some potent things in place. I didn't think about it at that point."

Friday, May 17, 2013

To Feel Normal & Be Better – April 15, 2013

Such a beautiful girl (and smile), holding a nice
chunk of birthday brownie
She cried when she went outside because she is not able to do things a normal person might: gardening, picnics, swimming, etc. Feeling the breeze and the rays of the sun was a good feeling. In order to use the new tools she received for her birthday, she wants to be able to use her hand and leg to shower by herself and dry herself. She talked about putting her pride aside to reach out to others for help as she continues to heal and recover. She was also distraught because she has an ingrown toenail and she cannot take care of it by herself.
"Escaping" therapy by making brownies!

We were able to celebrate her birthday this past week.  Her birthday is April 11, and it sure was a week-long attraction! She spent time with me and I made her dinner. Then on Saturday it was a celebration at my family's and the following day a celebration at her family's.

She is quite loved and appreciated.  She is a light in our lives and I know that she doesn't feel normal, and so I am positive that having this birthday was among one of the events that could be classified as "normal."  She received some nice gifts, but ultimately to her and to myself, it is the joy of being surrounded by family, to feel the warmth of love permeate the room.





The expression on her face is priceless

It is such a blessing to see the excitement on her face



The party at our apartment.
Pictured: Cassie; Chris & Cathy Holt
"What did you say?!"
Pictured: Cassie; Amy, Troy and Ethan Lilly